America has come so far yet is still so far behind. Only 19 out of 51 states and DC is same sex marriage legal. Also eight Native American tribal jurisdictions allow same sex couples to marry. Back when North Carolina was voting on whether or not to allow same sex marriages a straight male friend said that the reason he did not support same sex marriage is because a marriage was a union between one man and one woman. He didn’t care if same sex couples wanted to live together and/or get a civil union, just that he didn’t support same sex marriage. I told him I would be fine with a civil union if civil unions had the same rights a marriages.
Same sex marriage is still not legal in North Carolina and that makes my heart hurt. Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted to get married. To wear a pretty white dress, have my dad walk me down the aisle and dance with him to “Butterfly Kisses”. At the time I always thought I would be getting married to a guy because I was always dating a guy. I never left myself date a girl. Now those are dreams that will never come true. I started to say those are dreams that will never come true as long as I live in North Carolina but that is not the case.
I love my girlfriend and it is not secret to her that I want to marry her. I loved her for year before we became a couple. Even if North Carolina ever legalized same sex marriage we could still not get married because she is already legally married to her husband, whom I am also dating. I love him so much and do not want to be without him either but things with him are less than a year new. I am not at that stage where I want to marry him, yet. My heart physically hurts when I am not around her. I have thought about proposing to her but then deciding against it for number of reasons with the main one being she is already married. I do not doubt her love for me.
She was saying the other say about reality crashing down and dreams and I didn’t want her to know I felt the same about certain things. In away I guess she already knew which is why I didn’t hesitate to write this tonight knowing she would probably read it before I see her later this week. I hate that reality and society will not let us be together completely. I do enjoy my alone time, yet I hate going to bed at night which is why I think I stay up so late sometimes. So when I do finally go to bed I don’t have to think about going to bed.
The other thing is sometimes I do not think my boyfriend will ever get used to calling me his girlfriend to other people. When the three of us were first talking last year and the question was posed if him and I were out together would I call him my boyfriend. I didn’t answer right away because my immediate answer was yes but I knew that would scare him off and sure enough he said there was no reason to call me his girlfriend. I played it off and was like yeah people would see your wedding band and think you are cheating on her. Over the months I have shoved it to the back on my mind and not thought about it. The latest thing though was with a bunch of friends/acquaintances at a coffee shop where we have our regular monthly hang out. The three of us were talking to new people and he was like this is my wife and this is my friend. I had a sad moment but I brushed it off and didn’t let it get to me. Later that night my girlfriend and I were talking to the same couple and the girl was trying to keep people straight so we were like A is with E, R is with D, R is with M, J is with R. Then the girl looked at me and was like so who are you with. I don’t know if she saw me hesitate but I wanted so bad to say I am with J and R but I paused to let my girlfriend say something. When she didn’t say anything I said it was complicated. As the coffee shop was closing down my girlfriend and I was laughing about it cause it was kinda funny cause it was just like out of the blue, oh and who are you with. Cause at one point in the night we both swear the girl looked at me and said “your husband said….” but then we figured she was talking to my girlfriend. She went to go throw something in the care and was like tell what happen and it took me a second to figure out what she was talking about. When I told him he shrugged and said I don’t care who you tell. That frustrated me and made me want to smack him. I think he honestly means he doesn’t care who I tell but he doesn’t realize how much it hurts when he still introduces me as his friend instead of his girlfriend. Then the other day he told my girlfriend he doesn’t want to stop me from finding someone else and having a “normal” relationship. Screw normal! I don’t want normal! I want her and I want him! When she told me that I wanted to cry. Maybe one day I will talk to him about this but I am just not ready yet….
I seem so strong about wanting to marry her and I guess I don’t feel that strongly about marrying him because sometimes I feel like I get mix signals from him. I love him and I want him in my life forever. I want to get to that place where I want to marry him. Right now I am not at the point where I feel the urge to marry him yet I also don’t know why I keep torturing myself with thoughts of marrying her. Things would have to change a lot in North Carolina and in America for me to ever marry my girlfriend the way our lives are right now.