Marriage Equality

America has come so far yet is still so far behind. Only 19 out of 51 states and DC is same sex marriage legal. Also eight Native American tribal jurisdictions allow same sex couples to marry. Back when North Carolina was voting on whether or not to allow same sex marriages a straight male friend said that the reason he did not support same sex marriage is because a marriage was a union between one man and one woman. He didn’t care if same sex couples wanted to live together and/or get a civil union, just that he didn’t support same sex marriage. I told him I would be fine with a civil union if civil unions had the same rights a marriages.

Same sex marriage is still not legal in North Carolina and that makes my heart hurt. Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted to get married. To wear a pretty white dress, have my dad walk me down the aisle and dance with him to “Butterfly Kisses”. At the time I always thought I would be getting married to a guy because I was always dating a guy. I never left myself date a girl. Now those are dreams that will never come true. I started to say those are dreams that will never come true as long as I live in North Carolina but that is not the case.

I love my girlfriend and it is not secret to her that I want to marry her. I loved her for year before we became a couple. Even if North Carolina ever legalized same sex marriage we could still not get married because she is already legally married to her husband, whom I am also dating. I love him so much and do not want to be without him either but things with him are less than a year new. I am not at that stage where I want to marry him, yet. My heart physically hurts when I am not around her. I have thought about proposing to her but then deciding against it for number of reasons with the main one being she is already married. I do not doubt her love for me.

She was saying the other say about reality crashing down and dreams and I didn’t want her to know I felt the same about certain things. In away I guess she already knew which is why I didn’t hesitate to write this tonight knowing she would probably read it before I see her later this week. I hate that reality and society will not let us be together completely. I do enjoy my alone time, yet I hate going to bed at night which is why I think I stay up so late sometimes. So when I do finally go to bed I don’t have to think about going to bed.

The other thing is sometimes I do not think my boyfriend will ever get used to calling me his girlfriend to other people. When the three of us were first talking last year and the question was posed if him and I were out together would I call him my boyfriend. I didn’t answer right away because my immediate answer was yes but I knew that would scare him off and sure enough he said there was no reason to call me his girlfriend. I played it off and was like yeah people would see your wedding band and think you are cheating on her. Over the months I have shoved it to the back on my mind and not thought about it. The latest thing though was with a bunch of friends/acquaintances at a coffee shop where we have our regular monthly hang out. The three of us were talking to new people and he was like this is my wife and this is my friend. I had a sad moment but I brushed it off and didn’t let it get to me. Later that night my girlfriend and I were talking to the same couple and the girl was trying to keep people straight so we were like A is with E, R is with D, R is with M, J is with R. Then the girl looked at me and was like so who are you with. I don’t know if she saw me hesitate but I wanted so bad to say I am with J and R but I paused to let my girlfriend say something. When she didn’t say anything I said it was complicated. As the coffee shop was closing down my girlfriend and I was laughing about it cause it was kinda funny cause it was just like out of the blue, oh and who are you with. Cause at one point in the night we both swear the girl looked at me and said “your husband said….” but then we figured she was talking to my girlfriend. She went to go throw something in the care and was like tell what happen and it took me a second to figure out what she was talking about. When I told him he shrugged and said I don’t care who you tell. That frustrated me and made me want to smack him. I think he honestly means he doesn’t care who I tell but he doesn’t realize how much it hurts when he still introduces me as his friend instead of his girlfriend. Then the other day he told my girlfriend he doesn’t want to stop me from finding someone else and having a “normal” relationship. Screw normal! I don’t want normal! I want her and I want him! When she told me that I wanted to cry. Maybe one day I will talk to him about this but I am just not ready yet….

I seem so strong about wanting to marry her and I guess I don’t feel that strongly about marrying him because sometimes I feel like I get mix signals from him. I love him and I want him in my life forever. I want to get to that place where I want to marry him. Right now I am not at the point where I feel the urge to marry him yet I also don’t know why I keep torturing myself with thoughts of marrying her. Things would have to change a lot in North Carolina and in America for me to ever marry my girlfriend the way our lives are right now.

LGBT in Music

LGBT

  • Same Love by Mackelmore & Ryan Lewis (feat Mary Lambert)
  • Born This Way by Lady Gaga
  • Beautiful by Christina Aguleria

Lesbian

  • I Kissed A Girl by Jill Soule
  • I’m The Only One by Melissa Etheridge
  • She Keeps Me Warm by Mary Lambert
  • All The Things She Said by Tatu

Triad

  • Bonnie & Clyde by Vermillion Lies
  • Triad by Jefferson Airplane
  • Tonight’s The Night by Janet Jackson
  • Loves Me Not by Tatu

 

Bonnie & Clyde by Vermillion Lies

My Dear Clyde
I fell in love with you
but I have to say
that I love Bonnie, too.
Your mouth is sugar sweet
I like the way you kiss
but, it’s Bonnie that can move me
with a whisper of her lips
Oh, Oh I don’t wanna choose
I love my Clyde but I love my Bonnie too.
I also have a tommy
He’s my Tommy gun
and when we go out drivin’
We’re shootin’ for fun.
Well, it’s a one, two, three, four, five, six, seven
Oh, you know what happens when we get to eleven
I love my Bonnie and I love my Clyde
If you wanna get to heaven we can take yah for a ride
Oh, Oh I don’t wanna choose
I love my Clyde but I love my Bonnie too.
So I get dolled up and I’ll shine my shoes
and I’ll wear that dress that takes away
your blues
Where we go, Bonnie comes too
Let’s hit the bank and get some booze
Oh, Oh I don’t wanna choose
I love my Clyde but I love my Bonnie too.
Well, here comes the cops.
It’s the end of our run
you shoot, I’ll drive
Bonnie get shotgun
We’ll take that road turn left turn right
we can all kiss when their outta sight
Oh, Oh I don’t wanna choose
I love my Clyde but I love my Bonnie too.
We just can’t shake ’em, and thier commin’ fast
I knew this joy just couldn’t last
If I die here let my tombston read
These last words I do do plead
Oh oh I never hafta choose
I love my Clyde and I Love my Bonnie too.

 

Triad by Jefferson Airplane

You want to know how it will be
Me and him OR you and me
You both stand there your long hair flowing
Your eyes alive your mind still growing
Saying to me–“What can we do now that we both love you”,
I love you too– I don’t really see
Why can’t we go on as three
You are afraid–embarrassed too
No one has ever said such a thing to you
Your mother’s ghost stands at your shoulder
Face like ice–a little bit colder
Saying to you–“you can not do that, it breaks
All the rules you learned in school”
I don’t really see
Why can’t we go on as three
We love each other–it’s plain to see
There’s just one answer comes to me
–Sister–lovers–water brothers
And in time–maybe others
So you see–what we can do–is to try something new–
If you’re crazy too–
I don’t really see
Why can’t we go on as three.

 

Tonight’s The Night by Janet Jackson

This is just between me
And you
And you
Stay away
From my window
Stay away
From my back door too
Disconnect
The telephone line
Relax baby
And draw that blind
Kick off your shoes
And sit right down
Loosen up the back
Of your pretty French gown, yeah
Let me pour you
A good long drink
Ooh baby
Dontcha hesitate
[CHORUS:]
Tonight’s the night
It’s gonna be alright
Cuz I love you girl
Ain’t nobody gonna stop us now
Come on angel
My heart’s on fire
Don’t deny
This one desire
You’d be a fool
To stop this time
Spread your wings and let me
Come inside cuz
[CHORUS]
Don’t say a word
My virgin child
Just let your
Inhibitions run wild
The secret is
About to unfold
Upstairs
Before the night’s too old cuz

[CHORUS]
Tonight
Tonight’s the night
Tonight’s the night
It’s gonna be alright
Cuz I love you boy
Ain’t nobody gonna stop us now
This is so special
Tonight’s the night
Don’t be afraid
You know I’m gonna make it alright
Tonight’s the night
Don’t be afraid
I’m gonna make things alright
Tonight’s the night
Don’t be afraid
You know I’m gonna make it alright
Tonight’s the night
Don’t be afraid
I’m gonna make things alright
Tonight’s the night
Don’t be afraid
Please don’t leave
I don’t wanna be left all alone

 

Loves Me Not by Tatu

I complicated our lives
By falling in love with him
I complicated our lives
Now I’m losing my only friend
I don’t know why, I had to try
Living my life on the other side
Now I’m so confused
I don’t know what to do
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me, She loves me not
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me…
I started blurring the lines
Because I didn’t care
I started crossing the line
Cause you were never there
No where to turn,
No one to help,
It’s almost like I don’t even know myself
Now I have to choose
I don’t know what to do
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me, She loves me not
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me, she loves me
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me, She loves me not
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me…
No where to turn,
No one to help,
It’s almost like I don’t even know myself
Now I have to choose
I don’t know what to do
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me, She loves me not
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me, She loves me not
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me, She loves me not
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me, She loves me not
Loves me not…