What is the first think you think of when you here “Poly”? Ok math geeks aside I am not talking about a polyhedral or a polyhedron. Polyamorous? Polygamy? Orgies? One guy with many wives? Just an excuse to sleep with as many people you can and not be called a slut?
When I was younger this is how I felt about the word Poly. It is not until recently that I realized Poly is another word to describe me even though I am still waiting for it to sound right. I won’t lie, still sometimes my first reaction is to say no I am not Poly I am just in love with two people are the same time. I feel like Paulie from Lost and Delirious sometimes: “I am not a lesbian I am just Paulie who is in love with Tori!”
When I was in high school I considered myself bisexual but I was always monogamous. I could not wrap my head around being with two people at once. You were with one person at one time or it was cheating, end of story. That is the way I thought as a teenager yet at the same time I was dating my boyfriend who I was completely in love with I still missed my ex girlfriend Jill and wanted her back. Even tried twice to talk my high school boyfriend into a threesome with two different girls at different times yet I didn’t consider it cheating because he would be there. Never happened though, lol and looking back with the guy I was dating it never was going to happen. Still that was far as I went to trying to have two people at one time and never considered a relationship to be a long term thing. Hell, I never considered a long term relationship with a girl at that point. I was dating my boyfriend and just KNEW I was going to marry him and I figured that a threesome was the only way I would ever get to have sex with a girl. I figured I would always be that bisexual girl who knew she was into girls but never got the chance in her life to actually be with a girl.
My roommate in college, L, who is still one of my very best friends and even though she does not understand my life she has never judged me. To this day I don’t know why I came out to her and told her I was bi. Then I didn’t think twice to tell L I was dating a married women or when it ended. So when I got together with my couple couldn’t wait to tell L that I was no longer single because I was so happy! I don’t remember her exact words anymore but she something about Polygamy and I was like no I am in a monogamous relationship. She was like you are seeing two people, that is Polygamy. In my brain I am in a monogamous relationship because my couple is one couple, one unit. I hate saying it like that because they are two people and I don’t like to merge them together as one. I love you girl for always accepting me no matter what! You have been one of my best friends for years and I know we have many more years of friendship to come.
I feel like I was one of the few people who did not experiment in college but then again my life has never been about experimenting. I always knew I like both girls and guys even though when I was young I thought I would only end up with a guy and part of me was sad that I would never end up with a girl. Then after college and another failed relationship with a guy I said I was going to only date girls. I even went as far as to say I was not writing guys off completely but called myself a lesbian identified bisexual. I joined a women’s bisexual group near me and even then when one of the girls would talk about how she was married and had a girlfriend I still did not understand that. I just couldn’t at that point in my life, even when I was dating a married woman. I told myself it was not long term, that I was monogamous and that I would not fall for her. Yeah anyone out there if you have done it let me know how it goes telling your heart who you will and will not fall in love with. lol
As of last year I am in a Polyfaithful Triad with a married couple. Polyamory is NOT the same as Polygamy. Polyamory can be described as “consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy,” where as Polygamy one man has many wives (Polygyny) or one woman has many husbands (Polyandry). Ever since I had started to try to understand the Poly world I have had a hard time with the “non-momogamy” part of Polyamory because to me I am in a monogamous relationship with a couple and they are in the same relationship with me. Like monogamous relationships a Polyfaithful relationship is a closed relationship because we do not seek out other partners outside the three of us.
I wasn’t really planning on trying to find a label when I started a relationship with them last year but I blame it all on The Jigs. My boyfriend said that she called us the Triad of Super Villains so then the three of us were in my kitchen cooking dinner discussing what Super Villains we would be. I came up The Joker, Harley and Ivy from Batman The Animated Series. I said my boyfriend was The Joker and that my girlfriend was Harley because they were already together, a couple which made me Ivy. Both of them were like um not you are Harley because well for one thing you are blonde. Yeah I am blonde and a little spaztic but there is a reason that we call my girlfriend Pinkie Pie. Just sayin’. lol My girlfriend said that she was Ivy because she is good with plants and is working on getting her garden going and she was like sweetie you and plants don’t have the best of history. So yeah my boyfriend is The Joker, my girlfriend is Ivy and I am Harley. Then of course I wanted to make that our Halloween costume for this year. Still don’t know if that is going to happen…. Anyway so the next day I went on my search to find out what the three of us were actually called because I was like okay The Jigs is just being funny and why Super Villains, why not Super Heroes? The first thing I did was search Wikipedia for Polyamory because when we were in the bisexual women group we knew a girl who was married and had a girlfriend and I remembered that she said she was Polyamorus. I do not remember if I came across open marriage or group marriage first but I think I might have looked into open marriage first because for my couple that is what it was. An Open Marriage is where one or both partners are allowed to have relationships outside of the marriage without the other relationship being viewed a cheating. They had an open marriage with me but I was single so I could not have an open marriage. Then I went on the group marriage and it sounded the close but it was still not what we were. A Group Marriage could be three to six adults living together and sharing everything such as bills, children and household duties. There was a simple thing that deterred me from knowing that we were not a Group Marriage: I was not living with them. In reading more about Group Marriages I found that a relationship consisting of two women and a man is called a Triad which made me laugh because I thought The Jigs had just made that up.
In all my research to find out what the three of us were called I ran into the symbol for Polyamory. The LGBTQ community has the rainbow flag whereas the specific flag for bisexuality pink, purple and blue. I knew the flag for Polyamory was red, blue, and black with a yellow Pi symbol in the red. What I found out was that the symbol for Polyamory is a heart with an infinity symbol which makes since because Polyamory is about one person loving more than one person at a time. I was like okay cool and of course started looking a jewelry cause it is what I do. Didn’t really think that much about Polyamory jewelry again for awhile until a few weeks ago when my couple and I were at the mall looking for a friend’s birthday present and we Claire’s. I was running between the music store and Claire’s cause my girlfriend was at Claire’s and my boyfriend was at the music store. We were in Claire’s looking at MLP plushies and my boyfriend came in saying he found them cheaper at the music store so I went to look just to make sure they were the same as the ones we already had cause my girlfriend wanted a full set cause you can’t just have ONE element of Harmony. So I went to the music store and they were the same and cheaper so I run back to Claire’s to tell her to put the ones back and come with me. She was over looking at necklaces and was like look what I found which is when she showed me a necklace with a heart and an infinity symbol. We smiled because Claire’s had Poly jewelry and we wondered if they knew and the customers knew it was Poly jewelry. I told her that is was all her fault that I wanted that necklace. Of course now we both have one and I gave the necklace to her for an early birthday present. Whether Claire’s knows it or not it makes me smile because they are selling Poly jewelry even though it is under the name of infinity heart necklace, earrings and ring.
It is so hard at work to not say my boyfriend this or my boyfriend that because if I did my coworkers would not understand how I was dating a married man. Sadly it is easier at work to not say my girlfriend because I am still in the closet and most of my coworkers believe that I am straight. I hate still having to hide who I am not talk about how much I love my boyfriend and girlfriend and how insanely awesome people they are. I always talk about my couple and how crazy awesome they are but at work they are just my best friends. What I love about our group of friends is that they have accepted our Triad even if that is something they do not understand or its not their “thing.”
I honestly never saw me falling for another guy again although I kept telling myself well if the right guy ever came along. I would tell myself that but deep down I KNEW I was going to end up with a girl because I already went down the road of giving my heart and soul to a guy and I wanted to spend my life with a woman. The bisexual in me could never see it end any other way than a Triad. My brain just took a lot longer to get to where my heart already was. When the three of us realized where our relationship had ended up we just kinda looked at each other and were like why did we never see this before now. We came together when we were suppose to no matter how much I wish I could have met them sooner and realized my feelings before I did.
So to that couple out there looking for that Unicorn keep your heads up. She is out there looking for you too. 🙂